Thursday, July 21, 2011

Dear Ivy Fannin (A True Proverbs 31 Woman)

Congrats on two years since you graduated from mercy Ministries! I am EXTREMELY proud of you! I love how you cleverly killed Tracy's battery just so I could see you guys tonight! It has been a blessing to see you grow, and to be inspired to grow myself by your sweet and caring actions! I will never forget every second spent together... All our lovely dates at the O.G, and all the fat jokes made towards me by our waiter because I ate every single thing on my plate plus some. I'll never ever forget Howie the Bread Stick and how we laughed like huge goof balls and the same waiter judged us for making him (btw I think he was hitting on you, butttt I digress). I won't forget chilling with you when you taught us young scared girls about purity. I'll never forget the courage you had when you stood before the congregation and shared your testimony right after you got out of Mercy Ministries.

But most of all I wont forget your friendship. The perfect influence you, Trina, and Laura have been to me could never ever be expressed in words. I look forward to many more awesome memories with you! I love you so much.... because you, m'lady, are the BOMB DIGGITY :)

"A Woman of Noble character who can find she is worth far more than Rubies"

--Proverbs 31:10

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Putting Myself in Check!

Today I deleted my old Facebook and created a new one! These past few days I've felt trapped and I had the desire to make a change that would let me know that I still had some control in my life. Sure all the cussing and filthy talk that was blowing up my news feed was getting old and annoying to read, but hitting that deactivate button gave me such a feeling of power and control it was AMAZING. Constant chaos is never good for the soul, so I decided to break it for just a mere minute to control something petty :) 

It's just so crazy how things have been going lately. Even though it can get pretty bad, I find comfort in my Heavenly Fathers words. Jesus knows how we feel. he went through a bunch worse than I have. I guess it's sad that we've become such a self involved people who fail to realize that we haven't even touched what Christ did for us. We also forget to remember that this place isn't supposed to be paradise. We face trials because we refuse to completely rely on Christ. Falling into His arms are the last thing we ever think to do. If everyone followed his plan and did not sin or stray, things wouldn't ever get bad. Of course I can be comforted by the words of one of my all time favorite verses:

" And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."

Romans 8:28

God definitely has a plan and I just need to keep reminding myself that. Dear readers, keep me in your prayers! It would be highly appreciated!

Sunday, July 17, 2011

You can't get away with murder

Do you ever find yourself in those moments when you realize that a lot of different things in your life are falling apart? I'm in that moment right now. Sure there is a ton of good and wonderful things I have been greatly blessed with, but my annoying self-pitying side only sees the bad. I seriously wonder how things become so bad so quickly before you even have the chance to change anything or gain control of the situation. You just feel utterly helpless. You don't really know who to turn to, or what to do. Everyone says prayer and giving it to God is the number one solution to feeling better, and I agree 100%, but there is also my physical need to find condolence within my friends and family.

As a girl, it's so easy to get the wrong reputation pretty quickly. One mistake and everyone sees you as a woman of ill-repute or even as someone no one desires to be friends with. Sure, that probably isn't the case, and I'm thinking the worst possible things here, but it's hard not to. I remember hearing many different bible studies preached over purity and how girls hold on to many sins they've carried for a very long time. But, how is it easy to let go when the people you had listened to and heard preach this are the ones who are being judgmental? When they tell your secret that wasn't theirs to tell in the first place? Do they not realize that in doing this they have lost my trust, my respect, and have created an opening for drama to start? Yes, I am completely at fault for what I did, and yes I wasn't necessarily respectful to them when doing it, but what happened to people make mistakes? Forgive as the Lord forgave you. I get that I'm not perfect, and I can be judgmental as well, but I am a FIRM believer in practice what you preach. Jesus loved everyone, not just the people who were willing to bow down to Him right off the bat. He loved EVERYONE... He paid the price for EVERYONE. I also get that they are human too so they will show this in their actions as well, but being completely rude about it all and telling people aren't going to make it better.

It's hard to express my frustrations in a very sweet manner because I am deeply and completely hurt by what happened. I wish people weren't so insensitive. I wish instead of pointing out others mistakes, that they would stop and consider their own. I'm not saying that things should go unpunished and that people should be allowed to get away with anything, but I think after you've already set a punishment, bringing it up in a publicly humiliating way is just flat out wrong.

I'm sorry if this comes across as harsh, but this is what is on my mind tonight. It's all forgiven now, and after tonight I'm gonna try my best to leave it in the past. Just please refrain from doing it to others, because they probably will handle it a little differently than I have.

A look into my mind

... Complete emptiness

Friday, July 15, 2011

Will Work For...?

What is my purpose? I seriously thought this as I gazed across a room full of busy people who were rushing to get back to work and just needed to grab a quick bite. Working at Schlotzsky's has created an opportunity to become the "best of the best" at people watching. I sit there and think about where these people may come from, how immaculate they must be at raising their children or living their lives per-say, or even the kind of people they will be in the future. But then I realize this; clearly people must sit there and wonder the exact same thing while looking at me. How is it that I'm presenting myself every moment I'm around them? As a Christian, I have been called to be set apart from the world and not a slave to sin (Romans 6:6)... but have my actions truly shown this? Wanna know a secret?

I've done something I'm ashamed of.

A friend of mine is dealing with an issue at the moment, and as a protective sister type figure, I got involved before I could even think (okay Nathan, I admit it...) it through correctly. What I did was very very wrong. I came across as judgmental and hateful though I had no reason to. I hardly know the person(s) involved other than what my friend has told me. I did it to protect him, but in reality, I probably made things worse, especially with how I went about it. Not only did I conform to the world, but because I did it out of frustration, I wasn't very Christ-like either. Yes, this was done in private (though now accessible through this confession), but two people saw that ugly little side of me, and that's definitely too many. Especially for someone who is flawed and not perfect at all, I had no business doing what I did.

I apologize to the parties involved. I'm stepping out and I hope you accept this. To the one I don't know well, I'd love to get to know you if you'd give me the chance, and to the friend, I hope it all works out. praying for y'all.


Thursday, July 14, 2011

Thoughts Just for you

As I sit here and try to think of exactly how I feel, the only thing that comes to mind is Bliss. You're patient and understanding. You always know exactly what to say to make it better or right. The first time I met you,  felt the strongest desire to know you. I wanted to be your friend the moment I saw you. Nothing more than a mere friendship. I've been blessed more than I had ever thought possible. You're perfect in many ways, no matter how much you deny it. I don't mean perfect in the way where you do no wrong, I mean perfect as in everything I want and need. Perfect for me. I like spending time with you and every second is priceless... I'd trade all my time without you for just a second longer with you if I could. I'm glad to call you my best friend. I love talking to you and telling you all my secrets, opening up and letting you see my scars. It's refreshing and relieving and nice to know I'm not alone in this world. This post isn't to woo you, or to make you go "Aw" with a huge cheesy grin, but to let you know I'm glad. Nathan, you're my best friend and I'm so glad. I couldn't imagine a single day without you :)


Boys are in fact silly.

A certain situation has presented itself in my life within the last few days. A guy friend of mine has been struggling lately with a pretty intense issue. Its one of those things you hear about when you just sit there and every fiber of your being is terrified for that person.You actually have no idea how to help or even what to do. It's just this: boys are silly and even though they come to you for advice, they never ever listen to girls. Through other times this has happened, I've come to realize that 98% most girls are right regardless on what guys think or not (and that isn't necessarily logic and analytical thinking, but we DO know a lot about life and drama). There was also a recent incident with Nathan where I had said something and I guess it didn't click, but several days later a guy friend of his said the exact same thing and he got it all of a sudden. I've learned not to take it personally, but why do guys even bother us for advice when they aren't gonna listen? It just stresses us out even more. No matter what I say, he isn't going to have a great awakening and follow what I say. Instead, he's going to do what a guy says even if it is the exact same thing I had just said like thirty seconds ago. BUT I will say this. As someone who cares about his well being, I will continue to say what I feel needs to be said and I will pray that God will use it to open his eyes to what I'm seeing, even if I am being completely ignored.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Over Think Much?

Have you ever just sat there and thought about every possible thing that's going on in your mind, yet you can't seem to grasp a single thought? I sure have. It seems to be something that's been going on for a few days now. I try to consider certain events that could cause this handicap within my brain to occur. I do what pretty much any normal person would do in a situation like this... I make a list :) Here are a few of the "distractions" I've compiled:

1. My super cute boyfriend
2. My job that's pretty monotonous on a daily basis (not complaining Troy if you read this. This is hard cold facts)
3. Just the big blur of time we call summer pretty much smooshed together
4. Maybe my lack of a social life
5. My strange obsession with sour gummy worms and other unhealthy foods that have entered my digestive tract more than usual.
... or even the ever so last number 6:
My mind is just simply blank and I only think about things in the moment.

Whatever it is I want it to go away (unless its Nathan or my job... I'd like to keep those) because I'm stinking tired of this cascade of nothingness within the pit of my head that prevents me from the slumber I truly desire.

The Day It All Begins

So I did it world! I decided to join all the hub bub of society and create a blog! Sure I can't promise it'll always be exciting and full of interesting details and facts, nor can I promise day to day entries, but I will say this... To all the three people that may glance at this, I will try my best to create something that will keep you updated with my world and what's going on in that incredibly crazy mind of mine! Who knows? Maybe one day my dreams of becoming discovered someway somehow will begin today!